1429 - Joan of Arc makes a triumphant entry into Paris (which marks the last time a teen age girl went to Paris to do anything other than shop).
1920 - The 19th Amendment to the Constitution is ratified, giving women the right to vote ( even I do not have the guts to comment on this).
1957 - Ford Motor Company reveals the Edsel, its latest luxury car (Have you ever seen one of these? Last week I saw a perfectly restored Edsel station wagon.* It was so ugly it was cool. Little known fact: the Cold War escalated when the US accused the Soviet Union of infiltrating Ford Motor Co. and plotting to destroy American aesthetic values by the introduction of the Edsel. If the ’57 Chevy is a classic, the ’58 Edsel is a freak of nature).
*For those who may be unfamiliar with the term “station wagon:” station wagons existed before there were such things as vans, mini vans, and SUV’s. It was the original cross-over vehicle. They used to be used as ambulances (true story) and are still used today as hearses.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Improving Wal-Mart
A recent trip to Wal-Mart has prompted me to offer these unsolicited suggestions on how Wal-Mart gurus can make subsequent visits more pleasant for me:
1. Have special hours for adults with more than 1 child. If there is a plurality of children in tow, you will be invited to shop during special hours established just for you.
2. Eliminate the position of “greeter.” If I am visiting Wal-Mart, it is under duress in the first place. I do not want the first person I see to be cheery and wish me a good day. How can it be a good day? I’m at Wal-Mart, for cryin’ out loud!
3. Establish express checkout lanes for people with 5 tattoos or less. This should free up some checkouts for the rest of us. In fact, the “under 20 item” express lanes could then be eliminated.
4. Put the things that I want close to the front. When I go to buy motor oil, windshield washer fluid, or paint, why do I have to wade through sections of women’s clothing to get there?
5. Speaking of automobile supplies, why not put the oil change and tire repair waiting area in the same place as the flat screen TV’s? That makes way more sense than reading left over Jehovah’s Witness booklets on the cheesy coffee table.
6. Dump those little video advertisements hanging on the end of the aisles. I was on my way to the paint department when I passed one of those videos. I nearly jumped out of my skin! I was so frightened by that unexpected voice, they nearly had a cleanup in aisle 5.
Your initial impression might be to view me as someone who only thinks of himself. Not so. I feel these changes would not only benefit me, but would improve the shopping experience of many who find themselves in any of the thousands of Wal-Marts in the country. Sadly, I do not anticipate that my suggestions will be taken seriously.
1. Have special hours for adults with more than 1 child. If there is a plurality of children in tow, you will be invited to shop during special hours established just for you.
2. Eliminate the position of “greeter.” If I am visiting Wal-Mart, it is under duress in the first place. I do not want the first person I see to be cheery and wish me a good day. How can it be a good day? I’m at Wal-Mart, for cryin’ out loud!
3. Establish express checkout lanes for people with 5 tattoos or less. This should free up some checkouts for the rest of us. In fact, the “under 20 item” express lanes could then be eliminated.
4. Put the things that I want close to the front. When I go to buy motor oil, windshield washer fluid, or paint, why do I have to wade through sections of women’s clothing to get there?
5. Speaking of automobile supplies, why not put the oil change and tire repair waiting area in the same place as the flat screen TV’s? That makes way more sense than reading left over Jehovah’s Witness booklets on the cheesy coffee table.
6. Dump those little video advertisements hanging on the end of the aisles. I was on my way to the paint department when I passed one of those videos. I nearly jumped out of my skin! I was so frightened by that unexpected voice, they nearly had a cleanup in aisle 5.
Your initial impression might be to view me as someone who only thinks of himself. Not so. I feel these changes would not only benefit me, but would improve the shopping experience of many who find themselves in any of the thousands of Wal-Marts in the country. Sadly, I do not anticipate that my suggestions will be taken seriously.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Today in History
The events are real. The comments may or may not bear any resemblance to fact.
- 1493 - Maximilian succeeds his father Frederick III as Holy Roman Emperor. (Unfortunately, by this time the Holy Roman Empire consisted of the Vatican, 3 Starbucks and a McDonald’s).
- 1587 - Sigismund III is chosen to be the king of Poland. (His brothers, Sigismunds I & II passed on the honor to pursue careers as accordion players in a polka band)
- 1692 - Five women are hanged in Salem, Massachusetts after being convicted of the crime of witchcraft. Fourteen more people are executed that year and 150 others are imprisoned. (Obviously, the state that elected Barney Frank has a long history of wacky behavior)
- 1772 - Gustavus III of Sweden eliminates the rule of parties and establishes an absolute monarchy. (To this day, the Swedes are not known to be good at parties)
- 1779 - Americans under Major Henry Lee take the British garrison at Paulus Hook, New Jersey. (The next day, Lee paid the British to take back Paulus Hook and the rest of New Jersey)
- 1812 - The USS Constitution earns the nickname "Old Ironsides" during the battle off Nova Scotia that saw her defeat the HMS Guerriere. (The fame of this ship would later be celebrated in a TV series starring Raymond Burr as a lawyer confined to a wheelchair! On what planet does that make sense?)
- 1914 - The British Expeditionary Force (BEF) lands in France. (Actually, they were headed for Denmark but were too stubborn to stop and ask for directions)
- 1934 - 38 million Germans vote to make Adolf Hitler the official successor to President von Hindenburg. (Little known fact: 57 million Germans voted for “none of the above.”)
- 1936 - Spanish poet Frederico Garcia Lorca is shot by Franco's troops after being forced to dig his own grave. (I’ve heard some bad poetry, but this is a bit extreme)
- 1942 - A raid on Dieppe, France by British and Canadian commandos is repulsed by the German Army. (The Allies were in agreement that the Germans had a repulsive army)
- 1944 - In an effort to prevent a communist uprising in Paris, Charles DeGualle begins attacking German forces all around the city. (Yeah, General. Let’s not be too hasty and take this resistance thing too seriously)
- 1957 - The first balloon flight to exceed 100,000 feet takes off from Crosby, Minnesota. (It was trying to find some warmth)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Household Rules
These were sent to me some time ago. I would credit the author, but who knows who that is? This came via the Good, Clean Funnies List:
Rules of This Household
1. If you are not here for dinner, too bad. This is not a fast-food place where the cook is on duty at all times. The cook works full time and does not need a second job.
2. If you make a mess, clean it up. The dishwasher is open 24 hours a day to service you as are the vacuum, broom, and sponge. Please help them to help you by using them. If you need assistance, ask the cook -- she will be happy to give you training on any of the equipment.
3. The taxi service for this household is not on call 24 hours. You must make reservations at least 12 hours in advance. You have two good legs, skateboards, and bikes that are somewhat operational; one of you has a vehicle that works. Use them. By the way, skateboards are to be used on the outside of this house and are never to be used in the living room just because the landing is softer when you fall.
4. We are not a bank and you have no collateral to offer us. Face it: We own everything you have and I have receipts to prove it, so don't ask us for loans. Get jobs! We have them. Try it and you might like it (not so much the work as the money).
5. Curfew is negotiable, but try not to be late too often because it could go either way.
6. Tell us where you are going. GOOD GRIEF! I am way older than you, and I still tell my mother where I am going when I am at her house. Leave us a note or try to form words describing where you are going while we are in the room with you. Honestly, we don't bite unless provoked.
7. You know how to use a phone. Some of you even have cell phones. We like to hear your voice if you are going to be late. You can use a phone to find out what's for dinner, to let us know you made it to wherever all right, or just to let us hear your beautiful voice.
8. No food in your room, the living room, the bathroom, or anywhere in the house other than the kitchen or dining area EVER! How many times do I have to say this?
9. You do not contribute financially in any way, shape, or form to this household, so try to pull your weight in other ways: Clean something, put something away, surprise us by doing it before we ask. Otherwise, you may find yourself financially supporting yourself on the OUTSIDE of this house.
Rules of This Household
1. If you are not here for dinner, too bad. This is not a fast-food place where the cook is on duty at all times. The cook works full time and does not need a second job.
2. If you make a mess, clean it up. The dishwasher is open 24 hours a day to service you as are the vacuum, broom, and sponge. Please help them to help you by using them. If you need assistance, ask the cook -- she will be happy to give you training on any of the equipment.
3. The taxi service for this household is not on call 24 hours. You must make reservations at least 12 hours in advance. You have two good legs, skateboards, and bikes that are somewhat operational; one of you has a vehicle that works. Use them. By the way, skateboards are to be used on the outside of this house and are never to be used in the living room just because the landing is softer when you fall.
4. We are not a bank and you have no collateral to offer us. Face it: We own everything you have and I have receipts to prove it, so don't ask us for loans. Get jobs! We have them. Try it and you might like it (not so much the work as the money).
5. Curfew is negotiable, but try not to be late too often because it could go either way.
6. Tell us where you are going. GOOD GRIEF! I am way older than you, and I still tell my mother where I am going when I am at her house. Leave us a note or try to form words describing where you are going while we are in the room with you. Honestly, we don't bite unless provoked.
7. You know how to use a phone. Some of you even have cell phones. We like to hear your voice if you are going to be late. You can use a phone to find out what's for dinner, to let us know you made it to wherever all right, or just to let us hear your beautiful voice.
8. No food in your room, the living room, the bathroom, or anywhere in the house other than the kitchen or dining area EVER! How many times do I have to say this?
9. You do not contribute financially in any way, shape, or form to this household, so try to pull your weight in other ways: Clean something, put something away, surprise us by doing it before we ask. Otherwise, you may find yourself financially supporting yourself on the OUTSIDE of this house.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Football
I meant to share this last week, but I was sidetracked by other concerns. There has been a 2nd game and a 2nd loss since that 1st Saturday. I may post regarding that this week.
A week ago Saturday, the Diminutive Native Americans played their 1st football game of the season. My grandson’s team came away with their 1st loss of the season. They got spanked! The guys and Jessica fought valiantly, but came up a bit short losing to the Little Leopards 48-0. We almost scored, but our guy looked back to gauge the size the kid who was about to slam him into the ground.
The other team was big. I thought this was for 6 grade students; I’m not sure about the age of some on the opposing team. Their running back sliced through our “defensive line” (which is a strain of vocabulary) like a redneck at a WalMart clearance sale. He didn’t look like he was in 6th grade, but I spoke to his wife and she assured me that he was.
Of course, the team was discouraged but not completely downcast. After all, the game was lost because the referees favored the opposing team. They are practicing hard and claiming dominion over their next opponents, the Little Red Dragons.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Who's On First?
The 1st time I saw this I laughed till I cried. The original with Abbott & Costello is still a classic, but the Shakespearean twist is masterful. I continue to be amazed at the timing. Enjoy.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Laws of the Father
As long as we are in an Elizabethan English context, I want to share this from Ian Frazier called, "Laws Concerning Food and Drink: Household Principles, Lamentations of the Father," in The Atlantic Monthly, February 1997, Volume 279, No. 2, pages 89-90. This is one of my favorites.
Laws of Forbidden Places
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage therein you may not eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me.
Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away from my presence.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away from my presence.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; verily I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same before you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, because we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.
Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup.
And now behold.....even as I have said, it has come to pass.
Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For as we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:
If ye have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then ye shall have dessert.
But if ye eat a lesser number of peas, and yet ye eat the potatoes, still ye shall not have dessert; and if ye eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, ye shall not have dessert, no, verily I say unto you, not even a small portion thereof!
And if thou tries to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear that thou hast eaten what thou hast not, ye will fall into iniquity.
And I will know, and ye shall have no dessert.
On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.
If ye are given a plate on which two foods ye do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, and your voice rises up even unto the ceiling, while ye point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say unto you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct his transgression and peace shall prevail throughout the land.
Likewise if ye receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, verily, refrain from screaming.
Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose.
For even as I have made the fish, and it is as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward unto the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off.
For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, and there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner beyond comprehension!
Only hold thyself still; hold still, I say.
Give unto each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb.
Lo, how iniquitous they appear.
What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go henceforth until I have done.
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.
Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any beast of the field, or any fowl of the air nor of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub your feet against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what hath the cat done, that you should go forth and afflict it so and bindeth it with tape?
And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book.
Verily I say unto you, you will drive me to madness.
Neither forget what I said about the tape.
Laws of Forbidden Places
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage therein you may not eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me.
Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away from my presence.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away from my presence.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; verily I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same before you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, because we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.
Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup.
And now behold.....even as I have said, it has come to pass.
Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For as we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:
If ye have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then ye shall have dessert.
But if ye eat a lesser number of peas, and yet ye eat the potatoes, still ye shall not have dessert; and if ye eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, ye shall not have dessert, no, verily I say unto you, not even a small portion thereof!
And if thou tries to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear that thou hast eaten what thou hast not, ye will fall into iniquity.
And I will know, and ye shall have no dessert.
On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.
If ye are given a plate on which two foods ye do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, and your voice rises up even unto the ceiling, while ye point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say unto you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct his transgression and peace shall prevail throughout the land.
Likewise if ye receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, verily, refrain from screaming.
Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose.
For even as I have made the fish, and it is as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward unto the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off.
For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, and there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner beyond comprehension!
Only hold thyself still; hold still, I say.
Give unto each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb.
Lo, how iniquitous they appear.
What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go henceforth until I have done.
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.
Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any beast of the field, or any fowl of the air nor of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub your feet against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what hath the cat done, that you should go forth and afflict it so and bindeth it with tape?
And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book.
Verily I say unto you, you will drive me to madness.
Neither forget what I said about the tape.
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