Routines

I recently attended a seminar titled “Ministering to People with Dementia.” I attended this presentation for 3 reasons: 1. I am part of the “sandwich generation” which means that my wife and I will be caring for parents as they grow older; 2. I needed to have information for my wife as she will eventually need to care for me 3. Uhh, um, oh…. I forget.


This seminar was full of good information, although I really would like to know the difference between having dementia and being demented. I’ve not been diagnosed with the former, but I have been accused of the latter. Nonetheless, it opened my eyes to this terrible disorder.

One of the exercises involved a self-care routine. This was taken from The Past is Now my Future; A Practical Guide to Dementia Possible Care by Lanny Butler and Kari Brizendine. We were to rank the following activities in sequential order from 1st rising from bed:

____ Bathe

____ Brush my teeth

____ Comb my hair….

The list included 13 activities from dressing, watching the morning news, to taking medication, etc.

Oddly, this list did not include many of the activities with which I begin my day. So, I have compiled a list of self-care routines that more closely reflects the normal morning activities of the average citizen. They are already presented in sequential order.

Knock over the lamp trying to shut off the alarm.

Get out of bed.

Curse.

Trip over my shoes

Use the toilet

Clean up the bathroom floor because I missed the toilet.

Curse.

Step on a Lego (or Barbie shoe) and curse again while hopping on one foot and trying to dodge collateral damage to the other foot from remaining Lego’s

Put on whatever clothes I find at the foot of the bed and go downstairs.

Startle myself when I pass the hallway mirror and realize I put on my wife’s panty hose thinking it was my Under Armor stretchy muscle shirt.

Turn on the coffee maker and head to the shower.

Return dripping wet from the shower to turn the coffee maker off, put in coffee, filter, and water then turn it back on.

Dress

Eat breakfast which consists of a bowl of cold cereal because the domestic goddess needs her beauty sleep and won’t get up to prepare me a proper breakfast, which we all know is the most important meal of the day, for cryin out loud.

Turn on the morning news which oddly resembles the infomercials that are shown early every Saturday.

Upon realizing that it is Saturday and I’m already up and dressed and can’t go back to sleep, I might as well clean out the gutters.

Curse.

Achievement Test

This was sent to me by my sister (yeah, it kinda runs in the family) who imagined I might be amused. These are supposed to be genuine answers to a real test. I am not sure about that, but whoever wrote this is twisted. I mean, what kind of person would think of answers like this, for cryin’ out loud?


Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
Answer: his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: at the bottom of the page


Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
Answer: liquid


Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
Answer: marriage


Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
Answer: exams


Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
Answer: Lunch & dinner


Q7. What looks like half an apple?
Answer: The other half


Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
Answer: it will simply become wet


Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
Answer: No problem, he sleeps at night.


Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Answer: You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..


Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
Answer: Very large hands


Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
Answer: No time at all, the wall is already built.


Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Answer: Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Today's Quote

This is today's quote from my "365 Stupid Quotes" calendar. This is worth sharing. Memo: these are the people who become bazillionaires because of their talent.

"I've been noticing gravity since I was very young." - Cameron Diaz

Meetings

One of the disadvantages of my job is that I am required to attend meetings. We sometimes have meetings to plan meetings. There is an advantage to this, however. Attending meetings can consume large parts of the work week so that there is little actual work to be done. I think there is a corollary of Murphy’s Law that says something like, “the expectation of actual production diminishes in proportion to the number of meetings required to discuss production.” Or, as one of my colleagues says, “The only thing that comes out of meetings is people.”


This is not entirely true. Meetings can be profitable if you work at it. Listed below are actual statements made at meetings I’ve attended this year. I wrote them down immediately when spoken. None were made up. I will give context where necessary:

Misquoted wrong – “I was misquoted wrong.in the newspaper.” Then does that mean it got it right?

Unthawed – “We have several turkeys unthawed in the freezer,” In English, we say “frozen.”

Unloosened – “I had to unloosen the lid so it wouldn’t spill.” If it is unloosened, it is still tight so it won’t spill.

Free gift – Aren’t all gifts free? If I have to pay for it, it’s not a gift.

Over exaggerated – Are there degrees to exaggeration? Can you under exaggerate?

Under the weather – I hear this often. But, aren’t we all under the weather, except for those people on the orbiting space station. If they get sick, are they “under the stratosphere?” or under the Van Allen belt?”

Lowered down – yeah, gravity is a bummer.

Reflect back – because it’s really hard to reflect forward.  

Reiterate again – Whew, I’m glad he’s not being repetitious.

In the future moving forward – because you can’t move forward in the past; but then again, if you are in the past then forward is the only direction you can go. Hmm. I think I need a souped up DeLorean and 1.21 jiggawatts to figure out this.

Reduced down – Who wants to gain pounds on a weight reduction plan?

I anticipate more fun to follow as I gleefully attend meetings this year.

From Last Summer

Here it is February. I cannot tell you how many requests I have received to resume regular posts on this blog. I can't tell you because any number would be a lie. But as I was cleaning out some old computer files so that Bookworm could run faster, I came across an unpublished post from last summer. It is self-explanatory.

Two weeks ago was our family reunion. After allowing appropriate time to pass for reflection and emotional healing I feel that it is now safe to write about it.


It was called a family reunion, but that is an odd turn of a phrase. A reunion assumes union. If your family is anything like ours, there is often more disunion than union. Family reunions tend to glorify a closeness that never existed in reality. That’s why my family never bothered. But, I wax cynical.

I must choose my words carefully because this was my wife’s family that “reunioned.” Yes, it was an event for the in-laws. But this was no mere family reunion; it was an early 60th wedding anniversary celebration for my father and mother-in-law. We secured a pavilion in a local park for the festive occasion. With the number of people invited, it was set to be the social event of the summer. What we could not anticipate was the weather. It turned out to be the hottest day of the summer; 90 + degrees.

I’m sure this family is not much different from other families; the older sages instructing the younger ones on family history. The octogenarians of the clan had a wealth of wisdom and information that they entrusted to the young pups for safe keeping. After speaking with my nephews, I learned some things about my wife’s family that, frankly, I did not know. Here is a brief list of some of the notable achievements of this family to be passed on in trust to succeeding generations:

• The tract of land that would later become Youngstown was first owned by a great-great-great grandfather (not sure on how many “greats” are required) and sold to John Young for a bottle of whiskey and a mule. I know that this is true because one of the cousins read it somewhere (probably a post-colonial version of “National Enquirer”). And although I have never heard of this and the local historical accounts make no mention of this, I know it to be true because why would they make this up? I mean, who wants to claim the origins of Youngstown?

• Another grandfather was the mayor of the small town in which the patriarchs were raised. I will not name the town because I have friends who live there and it really is a lovely place to live. However, as I have observed, almost everybody has been mayor there at least once. I was almost mayor, for crying out loud. There was a “guess how many jelly beans in the jar” contest at the Fireman’s Festival. I came in 3rd place and won a corn dog. 1st place was a 10 dollar gift card to Wal-Mart and 2nd prize was a term as mayor.

• Their small town high school was the 1st in the country to have a swimming pool. This may actually be true because the man who set up the town and school system was forward-thinking for the early 1900’s. But, the whole country is a pretty dang big place and I would like to see some documentation. But, then again, what would be the motivation for making up something like this?

• The family patriarch single-handedly built steel mills in Ohio and Utah. No, he was not Andrew Carnegie or J.P. Morgan, but it certainly must be true. Why would anyone make this up?

• They invented air. I am not so sure about this one. This may be an exaggeration.