Waldorf Salad

I want to go on record by saying that I think the apple is one of God’s greatest ideas. My personal favorite is the gala, but any apple or apple product will do just fine. As long as I can remember, I have loved apples, apple pie, apple butter, apple fritters, and apple sauce. One of the more creative ways to enjoy apples is in Waldorf Salad. From Simply Recipes:

According to the American Century Cookbook, the first Waldorf salad was created in New York City in 1893, by Oscar Tschirky, the maître d'hôtel of the Waldorf Astoria. The original recipe consisted only of diced red-skinned apples, celery, and mayonnaise. Chopped walnuts were added later to this now American classic. Some prefer their Waldorf salad made with yogurt, instead of mayo.

Knowing my love for the apple, my mother would serve Waldorf Salad as part of our family’s Thanksgiving tradition. As she would say each year; “It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without Waldorf Salad, would it?” It would be helpful to insert here that I was the only one in our family who professed to like Waldorf Salad, although I think my sister dutifully consumed some. But maybe it wasn’t Waldorf Salad that the rest of the family didn’t like; maybe it was mom’s version of it.

My mom took great pride in her ability to cook. She also boasted that she seldom if ever used recipes. She cooked to taste. As a kid, I remember that mom was a fantastic cook. The combined girth of our family testified to that. But as she grew older and the effects of decades of smoking dulled her taste buds, cooking to taste took on an entirely new meaning. In her later years, everything she made was “over the top.” This included Waldorf Salad.

I may have enjoyed it when I was younger, but as the years progressed, the Waldorf Salad digressed. The last batch she made was probably 2 years before she died. It was a labor of love because she was really too weak to be peeling apples (though she probably made dad do it). But this was a sacrifice of love for her son because “It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without Waldorf Salad, would it?”

With that as the background, I feel somewhat guilty writing about Waldorf Salad, but I am compelled to do so. Again, my therapist thinks this will be good for my recovery. I’m not sure if he is concerned about my recovery or about the book he’s planning to write, but I’ll take his advice. So now I will admit the naked truth: when we brought home the leftover Waldorf Salad from mom’s on Thanksgiving (and Christmas too, for that matter), I would package several samples and send them by courier to the CDC in Atlanta, the FBI in Quantico, and to Area 51 in the Nevada desert. Interestingly, I have never heard from any of them nor I have seen published test results of the material sent to them. From this I surmise that it has been classified “Eyes Only” and the results are known only to the President. Yes, the stuff was that toxic.

Since the Federal government has ignored my requests to publish the results of their testing, my conscience compels me to disclose this information for the sake of public safety. Since no recipe exists for mom’s Waldorf Salad, I will reproduce the formula to the best of my memory:

Mom’s Waldorf Salad – because it wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without it, for cryin out loud.

• 8-10 apples of any variety peeled (you have to peel them because the peels get stuck in your dentures).
• 1 to 2 cups of celery, chopped
• 1 cup of raisins
• 1 cup of walnuts (you could also use the black walnuts that fall from the neighbor’s tree because they are free and walnuts are so blamed expensive anymore. Black walnuts provide an interesting coloration to the formula, a sort of marbling effect that adds to the mystique of the dish).
• 1 – 55 gallon drum of Salad Dressing (some people use mayonnaise, but we have to watch the cholesterol intake).

Combine the ingredients in a mop bucket and add salad dressing until the ingredients float.

Allow the mixture to sit at room temperature for several days (this applies if you have made the salad several days prior to the meal because you have so much else to do).

As the salad dressing evaporates, add more dressing to maintain the buoyancy of the ingredients. Periodically break the skim that forms on the surface.

Just prior to serving, add paprika because that gives it a festive, holiday color.

Serves as many as will eat it.

I don’t know if those in heaven waste their time reading blogs, but if they do, I hope mom’s sense of humor is intact.

The Poverty Wheel

A few weeks ago I stupidly volunteered to help my friend and coworker move. Understand that by “help” I mean I drove the truck and carefully tended to the box-o-joe purchased for the movers. At this stage of my life, that is about as much as I intend to do. Besides, I was not needed for the heavy lifting as she had enlisted the help of her burly son-in-law and several of his friends. I knew that these guys could provide fodder for a story. I was not disappointed.


I have been part of many different moving crews over the span of my life. Some of the moves were as organized as a shuttle launch; some were as chaotic as the running of the bulls in Pamploma. This move was closer to Spain than to NASA.

The young men enlisted as movers had obviously never done this before. Their objective: cram as much stuff into the truck as possible without regard as to what might fit in what space, and to do this as quickly as possible. To maximize the use of their time, they removed a 2nd floor window, brought furniture out of the window and on to the garage roof and then deftly heaved said furniture into the truck below. Of course, someone had to be in the truck to catch the furniture. Usually it was Nick, Bethanie’s son-in-law. Sometimes it was me, for I failed to get out of the way in time. So imagine the sight: truck backed to the garage, 3 men walking to the edge of the garage roof with furniture and handing it to the waiting morons below.

We made 3 trips from the old 2 story farmhouse to a smaller 1 story ranch. I was there as it all was unloaded, but I am still perplexed as to how it all got into the house. I can’t say for certain, but I think lubricants were used to get the stuff through the doors.

Before we left the farm house with the last load, I was treated to an exhibition such as I had never before witnessed. The movers, lead by Nick (a trouble-maker if there ever was one), took turns on what Bethanie called “the poverty wheel.” A poverty wheel is simply an empty wooden spool that once held cable for utility crews. I must admit, I have never heard them called poverty wheels, but Bethanie is from southern California, so that explains a lot.

This was great fun as the guys straddled the middle of the wheel, and holding on for dear life, tried to see how long they could stay on as the wheel was rolled down the hill. Imagine bull riding without the bull and with much less class. I still don’t know what the winner gained. If he avoided being run over by the guys who pushed, he could look forward to projectile vomiting when the ride was over.

I have one question: who has one of these as lawn ornaments, for crying out loud? When I was younger, they made avant-garde tables for coffee shops. But picnic tables? Just who is the redneck here?

Strange but True?

This was sent in an email by a friend. I don't know if it is exactly true, but the more your get to know people, the more believable this becomes. Enjoy (and thanks to MJ).


Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....' (PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!)

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Word Games

I have long been fascinated with words and phrases. I admit that it is very annoying to my wife, but she did promise that “for better or for worse” stuff and a promise is a promise. But I love the absurdities of the English language. If I had been smarter, I may have studied linguistics.

Since I have no better way to occupy my time than to think of stuff like this, here is a list of interesting expressions that really require comment:

• Drive thru – Don’t you need to stop, at least once and maybe twice?
• Natural food – As opposed to what, unnatural or supernatural food?
• Final approach – So how many approaches did you make before the final one?
• "It was the in the last place I looked." – Of course it was. Would you keep looking once you found it?
• All-you-can-eat – Really? Don’t you want to put some time limits on this because I plan to eat for the rest of my life?
• Blazing inferno – Aren’t all infernos blazing? Firefighter #1: "Wow, it took a long time to put out that inferno." Firefighter #2: "Yeah, good thing it wasn’t a blazing inferno. We might have been here all day" (Note: Some brainiac will no doubt point out that inferno does not always need to refer to a fire like “the inferno of war.” But, who cares. Get your own blog).
• Rear view mirror – No, I’d rather have the one that lets me see in front.
• Paid vacation – Really? So why do vacations cost me a ton of money? Why do I have to save all year for a vacation? From now on, I want the one that pays me, for cryin’ out loud.

As I continue my research, I am sure that I will discover more language oddities. Your submissions are welcomed. I will give you credit for them so you too can be admired by this blog’s vast audience of 2 or 3.

I Was Conrad Birdie

I was Conrad Birdie! Yes, the story can now be told. My therapist said that it would be OK to admit this. He said that I must embrace the past if I ever want to chase the demons away for good.


For those who are unaware, Conrad Birdie was the lead character in the musical “Bye, Bye Birdie,” a story about an Elvis Presley-like person who was drafted into military service.

Our 9th grade music department presented this musical. I left my promising wrestling career behind to follow the lure of stage lights. How I got the lead is a mystery. Ours was a smallish junior high school, so the auditions for the part consisted of me, Scott and Greg. Scott was Conrad Birdie in real life. He had the hair, the pointed shoes with Cuban heels, and pegged pants (unfortunately, you have to be as old as I am to understand what these mean and how they were significant). Most importantly, he had his very own electric guitar! But, the gods of theater visited me and I got the part. Yes, I was a thespian!

I barely remember most of it. I had 3 singing parts, if I recall correctly. It was horrible. My terrible singing was outdone only by my even more terrible acting. I was too much a geek-wad to even try to be cool, for cryin’ out loud. I don’t think I pulled it off convincingly, although I got rave reviews from my mom and grandma, who both thought I was playing Slim Whitman. They couldn’t understand why I didn’t have any yodeling parts.