Today in History

The events are real. The comments may or may  not bear any resemblance to fact.

•  1493 - Maximilian succeeds his father Frederick III as Holy Roman Emperor. (Unfortunately, by this time the Holy Roman Empire consisted of the Vatican, 3 Starbucks and a McDonald’s).
• 1587 - Sigismund III is chosen to be the king of Poland. (His brothers, Sigismunds I & II passed on the honor to pursue careers as accordion players in a polka band)
• 1692 - Five women are hanged in Salem, Massachusetts after being convicted of the crime of witchcraft. Fourteen more people are executed that year and 150 others are imprisoned. (Obviously, the state that elected Barney Frank has a long history of wacky behavior)
• 1772 - Gustavus III of Sweden eliminates the rule of parties and establishes an absolute monarchy. (To this day, the Swedes are not known to be good at parties)
• 1779 - Americans under Major Henry Lee take the British garrison at Paulus Hook, New Jersey. (The next day, Lee paid the British to take back Paulus Hook and the rest of New Jersey)
• 1812  - The USS Constitution earns the nickname "Old Ironsides" during the battle off Nova Scotia that saw her defeat the HMS Guerriere. (The fame of this ship would later be celebrated in a TV series starring Raymond Burr as a lawyer confined to a wheelchair! On what planet does that make sense?)
• 1914 - The British Expeditionary Force (BEF) lands in France. (Actually, they were headed for Denmark but were too stubborn to stop and ask for directions)
• 1934 - 38 million Germans vote to make Adolf Hitler the official successor to President von Hindenburg. (Little known fact: 57 million Germans voted for “none of the above.”)
• 1936 - Spanish poet Frederico Garcia Lorca is shot by Franco's troops after being forced to dig his own grave. (I’ve heard some bad poetry, but this is a bit extreme)
• 1942 - A raid on Dieppe, France by British and Canadian commandos is repulsed by the German Army. (The Allies were in agreement that the Germans had a repulsive army)
• 1944 - In an effort to prevent a communist uprising in Paris, Charles DeGualle begins attacking German forces all around the city. (Yeah, General. Let’s not be too hasty and take this resistance thing too seriously)
• 1957 - The first balloon flight to exceed 100,000 feet takes off from Crosby, Minnesota. (It was trying to find some warmth)