Here I sit at 11:00 pm on May 21. In some parts of the world it is already May 22 and Mr. Camping has been proven to be a false prophet. There is irony in this since he has called every pastor or teacher in the established church a false prophet nearly every day for the past several years. Of course, on the outside chance that he was right, I made sure that I spent this Saturday in productive work – work that would be fitting for Judgment Day.
I began the day by meeting a friend for coffee at McDonalds. Yes indeed, any red-blooded capitalist would want to spend his last day on earth at Mickey-D’s. By the way, I hear that McDonald’s is looking to expand into the afterlife. In heaven, every meal will be a Happy Meal. Note: Burger King has the contract wrapped up for the Netherworld. Their “flame-broiled” marketing concept is a natural fit.
After that, I came home and read my email – because I wouldn’t want the world to end with reading about the latest homeopathic remedy for erectile dysfunction.
My wife and I went to a garage sale. I was snookered because she said she wanted to find exercise equipment for her father. Really? The man carries 2 walkers in his car and she’s looking for a BowFlex for him? We found an exercise bike for him and she found various and sundry items for herself. Forget that I took 2 days off work to clean the basement! I guess I was just making room.
Knowing that Judgment Day was scheduled for 6 o’clock, we had time to catch a movie. I grew up reading comic books. I credit Marvel and D.C. comics for developing my mind into the tragic piece of machinery it is. Anyway, I just had to see “Thor.” He was one of my favorite comic book super-heroes. The movie was quite a production. Not even the Apocalypse was going to keep me from seeing this movie. Besides, I got a large soft drink with free refills for only a buck! Judgment Day indeed !
I mowed the lawn. My neighbor pulled out of the drive and asked me about the rapture and Judgment Day. She said, “You have a Baptist background, don’t you? What do you think about this Rapture business?” Oh yeah, you say the phrase “Judgment Day” and you think of Baptist right off the bat for cryin out loud. She said she was a graduate from an Episcopal seminary and, according to her, there was no talk about rapture and millennium and such stuff. But she really wanted know why I was mowing the lawn, if today was the last day. That was a fair question; I really did think about waiting until about 7:00 –ish. But, rapture or not, the lawn needs cut.
By the time I finished the lawn and fired up the grill for dinner, 6:00 had come and gone. I got a text message from one friend and a call from another seeing if I was still here. Are you kidding? You check on the status of the rapture by calling me? I guess they thought that if I was taken, then any loser has a chance. But, I’m still here, my lawn is mowed, and Harold Camping is still in Alameda, California.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Summer Olympics
If all goes well and the world doesn’t end before 2012 (a distinct possibility if the ancient Mayans or Harold Camping are correct), then the 2012 Summer Olympics will be held in London. One can only imagine the intense marketing campaign that secured that selection. Because whenever I ask anyone I know to name a spot on the globe that reminds them of summer, London is right up there on the list.
Anyway, I have some suggestions for new sports to add to the next round of Summer Olympics. I know it’s too late for 2012, but maybe they can make the cut for the next round in 2016 – which, I’m sure, given the wisdom of the London choice, will be held in Juneau, Alaska. The following sports are suggested based on 3 criteria: 1) level of difficulty 2) number of athletes who participate on an amateur level and c) it’s my blog and I can pick whatever I want to, for cryin’ out loud.
The recommendations are:
Competitive tether ball – This is an individual sport, though teams could enter and score points on the number of opponents who cry when they lose.
Dodge Ball – an obvious choice if you’ve ever seen the movie by the same name.
Standing on your head – in elementary school, this was a feat that inspired awe in the spectators. One was considered “professional” if he could maintain the posture long enough for his nose to bleed.
Marco Polo – The idea of this sport on the Olympic level, played in an Olympic pool with the various language challenges makes one giddy with anticipation.
Cannon Ball – It’s about time that this well-known but little appreciated art form get its due recognition. Points for style, water displacement, and body mass will make this the new sport to watch.
Freeze tag – Speed and patience is a must for this team sport.
Kick-the-can – Another team sport involving strategy, endurance, agility, and stealth.
Hide-and-seek – This game is known around the world, but given the 10 year search for Osama bin Laden, Al-Qaeda is the odds on favorite for the gold.
Anyway, I have some suggestions for new sports to add to the next round of Summer Olympics. I know it’s too late for 2012, but maybe they can make the cut for the next round in 2016 – which, I’m sure, given the wisdom of the London choice, will be held in Juneau, Alaska. The following sports are suggested based on 3 criteria: 1) level of difficulty 2) number of athletes who participate on an amateur level and c) it’s my blog and I can pick whatever I want to, for cryin’ out loud.
The recommendations are:
Competitive tether ball – This is an individual sport, though teams could enter and score points on the number of opponents who cry when they lose.
Dodge Ball – an obvious choice if you’ve ever seen the movie by the same name.
Standing on your head – in elementary school, this was a feat that inspired awe in the spectators. One was considered “professional” if he could maintain the posture long enough for his nose to bleed.
Marco Polo – The idea of this sport on the Olympic level, played in an Olympic pool with the various language challenges makes one giddy with anticipation.
Cannon Ball – It’s about time that this well-known but little appreciated art form get its due recognition. Points for style, water displacement, and body mass will make this the new sport to watch.
Freeze tag – Speed and patience is a must for this team sport.
Kick-the-can – Another team sport involving strategy, endurance, agility, and stealth.
Hide-and-seek – This game is known around the world, but given the 10 year search for Osama bin Laden, Al-Qaeda is the odds on favorite for the gold.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Hello 2011
Hello 2011
I know, it has been a long time since I have submitted a post to this blog. Really, it’s no big deal since: (a). Hardly anyone reads it (b). No one really cares, and (3). In the whole scheme of cosmic realities, what difference does it make?
But, I guess I feel an inner compulsion to put something here because I do have the space and it is therapeutic. My last post was just before Thanksgiving of last year. I tried to write a Christmas post, but I think my personal muse was on a sabbatical helping Charlie Sheen compose the literary gems that are now part of his “Truth, the Whole Truth, and Something Like the Truth” concert tour.
Part of the problem was – and I may now admit this, according to my therapist, I have been suffering from PTSARTIANLAYSS (post-turning sixty and realizing that I am no longer a youngster-stress syndrome). I know that this is a real syndrome because I heard about it in an email sent from the wife of a doctor in Kenya who wants me to help release her late husband’s estate.
I must face the facts: I now qualify for a senior citizen’s coffee at McDonald’s. I need to come to grips with the reality that I will never be able to meet some of my life goals. So that you may commiserate with me, I will share the goals that I had established way back when I turned 25:
Where are these goals now, you ask?
I know, it has been a long time since I have submitted a post to this blog. Really, it’s no big deal since: (a). Hardly anyone reads it (b). No one really cares, and (3). In the whole scheme of cosmic realities, what difference does it make?
But, I guess I feel an inner compulsion to put something here because I do have the space and it is therapeutic. My last post was just before Thanksgiving of last year. I tried to write a Christmas post, but I think my personal muse was on a sabbatical helping Charlie Sheen compose the literary gems that are now part of his “Truth, the Whole Truth, and Something Like the Truth” concert tour.
Part of the problem was – and I may now admit this, according to my therapist, I have been suffering from PTSARTIANLAYSS (post-turning sixty and realizing that I am no longer a youngster-stress syndrome). I know that this is a real syndrome because I heard about it in an email sent from the wife of a doctor in Kenya who wants me to help release her late husband’s estate.
I must face the facts: I now qualify for a senior citizen’s coffee at McDonald’s. I need to come to grips with the reality that I will never be able to meet some of my life goals. So that you may commiserate with me, I will share the goals that I had established way back when I turned 25:
- Become a black belt in karate, kung fu, tae kwan do and egg foo young and achieve the status of ninja
- Earn a PhD from a reputable diploma mill
- Win the Nobel Prize for literature
- Retire as a multi-millionaire by age 50
Where are these goals now, you ask?
- I have a black belt and a brown belt, reversible that I bought at WalMart.
- The only Ph that I am familiar with is the Ph level of the antacids that control my acid reflux.
- I’m still holding out for the Nobel Prize. After all, if the President can win the Nobel Peace Prize a month after he’s inaugurated for merely “inspiring hope,” maybe I can still get one for giving a few laughs – because apparently the bar has been set way low.
- And obviously, I am not yet retired and I am not a multi-millionaire, but I am closer to it than I was at age 25. I figure that I may reach the millionaire mark if I postpone retirement until age 147. And get an additional job, too.
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