Meetings

One of the disadvantages of my job is that I am required to attend meetings. We sometimes have meetings to plan meetings. There is an advantage to this, however. Attending meetings can consume large parts of the work week so that there is little actual work to be done. I think there is a corollary of Murphy’s Law that says something like, “the expectation of actual production diminishes in proportion to the number of meetings required to discuss production.” Or, as one of my colleagues says, “The only thing that comes out of meetings is people.”


This is not entirely true. Meetings can be profitable if you work at it. Listed below are actual statements made at meetings I’ve attended this year. I wrote them down immediately when spoken. None were made up. I will give context where necessary:

Misquoted wrong – “I was misquoted wrong.in the newspaper.” Then does that mean it got it right?

Unthawed – “We have several turkeys unthawed in the freezer,” In English, we say “frozen.”

Unloosened – “I had to unloosen the lid so it wouldn’t spill.” If it is unloosened, it is still tight so it won’t spill.

Free gift – Aren’t all gifts free? If I have to pay for it, it’s not a gift.

Over exaggerated – Are there degrees to exaggeration? Can you under exaggerate?

Under the weather – I hear this often. But, aren’t we all under the weather, except for those people on the orbiting space station. If they get sick, are they “under the stratosphere?” or under the Van Allen belt?”

Lowered down – yeah, gravity is a bummer.

Reflect back – because it’s really hard to reflect forward.  

Reiterate again – Whew, I’m glad he’s not being repetitious.

In the future moving forward – because you can’t move forward in the past; but then again, if you are in the past then forward is the only direction you can go. Hmm. I think I need a souped up DeLorean and 1.21 jiggawatts to figure out this.

Reduced down – Who wants to gain pounds on a weight reduction plan?

I anticipate more fun to follow as I gleefully attend meetings this year.

From Last Summer

Here it is February. I cannot tell you how many requests I have received to resume regular posts on this blog. I can't tell you because any number would be a lie. But as I was cleaning out some old computer files so that Bookworm could run faster, I came across an unpublished post from last summer. It is self-explanatory.

Two weeks ago was our family reunion. After allowing appropriate time to pass for reflection and emotional healing I feel that it is now safe to write about it.


It was called a family reunion, but that is an odd turn of a phrase. A reunion assumes union. If your family is anything like ours, there is often more disunion than union. Family reunions tend to glorify a closeness that never existed in reality. That’s why my family never bothered. But, I wax cynical.

I must choose my words carefully because this was my wife’s family that “reunioned.” Yes, it was an event for the in-laws. But this was no mere family reunion; it was an early 60th wedding anniversary celebration for my father and mother-in-law. We secured a pavilion in a local park for the festive occasion. With the number of people invited, it was set to be the social event of the summer. What we could not anticipate was the weather. It turned out to be the hottest day of the summer; 90 + degrees.

I’m sure this family is not much different from other families; the older sages instructing the younger ones on family history. The octogenarians of the clan had a wealth of wisdom and information that they entrusted to the young pups for safe keeping. After speaking with my nephews, I learned some things about my wife’s family that, frankly, I did not know. Here is a brief list of some of the notable achievements of this family to be passed on in trust to succeeding generations:

• The tract of land that would later become Youngstown was first owned by a great-great-great grandfather (not sure on how many “greats” are required) and sold to John Young for a bottle of whiskey and a mule. I know that this is true because one of the cousins read it somewhere (probably a post-colonial version of “National Enquirer”). And although I have never heard of this and the local historical accounts make no mention of this, I know it to be true because why would they make this up? I mean, who wants to claim the origins of Youngstown?

• Another grandfather was the mayor of the small town in which the patriarchs were raised. I will not name the town because I have friends who live there and it really is a lovely place to live. However, as I have observed, almost everybody has been mayor there at least once. I was almost mayor, for crying out loud. There was a “guess how many jelly beans in the jar” contest at the Fireman’s Festival. I came in 3rd place and won a corn dog. 1st place was a 10 dollar gift card to Wal-Mart and 2nd prize was a term as mayor.

• Their small town high school was the 1st in the country to have a swimming pool. This may actually be true because the man who set up the town and school system was forward-thinking for the early 1900’s. But, the whole country is a pretty dang big place and I would like to see some documentation. But, then again, what would be the motivation for making up something like this?

• The family patriarch single-handedly built steel mills in Ohio and Utah. No, he was not Andrew Carnegie or J.P. Morgan, but it certainly must be true. Why would anyone make this up?

• They invented air. I am not so sure about this one. This may be an exaggeration.