My wife
and I are the caregivers for our grandchildren, aged 14 and 16. The 16 year old
is a female, my 1st of 3 grandchildren and 1st of 2
granddaughters. So, once again, I have the responsibility of instructing a 16
year old girl in the art and skill of driving. This is my responsibility, for
my wife has expended all of her patience hormones on other issues – not the
least of which may or may not include her husband’s failure to pick up his
socks, hit the clothes hamper (or even try), wash a dish, or act in a manner
different than any 14 year old boy with mommy issues.
Driving
with a 16 year old girl is an experience everyone should add to their bucket
list. It makes bungee jumping, sky diving and running with the bulls in
Pamplona pale in adventure and fright. I was ready for this challenge. I had
been hardened by several years of living in the same house with a girl entering
puberty and a wife experiencing menopause.
Dante’s 9 circles of hell are a walk in the park in comparison. But,
back to the driving.
She has
completed driver’s training and now needs practice before she takes her test
for her license. Apparently, driver’s
instruction has changed a lot over the years since I received driver’s training
(and, yes, they did have driver’s training back then, and no, we didn’t use
horses every time). As we set out for our initial drive, I discovered that
there are so many important issues that must be covered in the modern driving
experience. Here is a checklist, every bit as important as the checklist that a
flight crew must complete before each take off:
·
Open
the car door and sit behind the wheel. This may seem like a “given” but for
some, it is a challenge. For example, if the door is locked, how does one open
the door? There are several options: press the unlock button on the key thingy,
use the key to unlock the door, call the locksmith to extract the ignition key
that you forced into the lock, use the right key, or for the 16 year who is a
blonde, reach in the open window and unlock the car.
·
Once
seated, the checklist begins. First, adjust your mirrors.
·
Readjust
your mirrors after you have checked your makeup, hair, and performed the
requisite zit count on your post-pubescent face.
·
Insert
the key into the ignition. Express massive amounts of frustration when the key
does not fit and accuse the driving coach (me) of giving you the wrong set of
keys.
·
Remove
the trunk key you attempted to jam into the ignition and use the ignition key.
·
Fasten
your seatbelt. Glare at your passenger (me) until he fastens his.
·
Adjust
the tilt steering wheel to the optimal position. This will require no fewer
than 9 attempts.
·
Adjust the side mirrors and take another quick
make up check in the visor mirror before ignition.
·
Start
the car by turning the ignition to the “on” position. Ask the driving coach
(me) if the engine started because it’s hard to hear over the grinding noise
made by the starter. Release the ignition before the starter grinds itself into
powder.
·
Prior
to engaging the transmission (in technical 16 year old jargon “the gear shift
thingy”), find the appropriate radio station to provide the exact music needed
to enhance the driving experience.
·
Make
sure all of the radio’s presets are tuned to a radio station of your choice
because heaven help us if we had to actually listen to a commercial or weather forecast.
·
Put
the car in gear and head for the road.
I must end
at this point. Actually, I was too emotionally exhausted to remember much else.
I think I blanked out. All I remember is sitting in my driveway sometime later
in the passenger seat of the car, curled in a fetal position. I think I may be losing my patience hormones.
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