I wrote this last month, the day after the Mt. Carmel Festival. I had no outlet for it until now. Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect. If you can't take a joke, I warned you not to read this blog.
The Festival of Mount Carmel celebrates the patronage of the Virgin Mary particularly as this relates to the Carmelite order. This feast day is celebrated on July 16. There is a curious tradition among the Italian-American communities in some parts of the country to hold local church festivals in honor of our Lady of Mt. Carmel. The community where I live is one such. The Mt. Carmel Festival, sponsored by the Italian Fraternal Home, has just concluded. Little did I know that there is an ancient manuscript locked away somewhere in the Vatican Library that details how church festivals are to be structured. Its contents have recently been released to the public. What we have is a 1611 translation of the Latin manuscript:
Thou shalt hold sundry festivals; the festival of Our Lady of Mount Carmel shall be the chiefest of festivals to thee.
Thou shalt hold this festival over 3 days; yea, over 4 days. All people who reckon their lineage from Italy, from the leg, the toe or the heel, verily even from Sicily, unto the fourth generation may keep the festival.
If the land wherein it is held be not straitened, then thou shalt have rides. Nevertheless, thou mayest have games in abundance. All manner of games shalt thou have; there will be no upbraiding for thy games. Bingo shalt thou have, for what is a festival without bingo? All manner of skill games shalt thou have, even ring toss, basketball shot, and such like. Yea, and the dunking machine. Fail not to have the dunking machine where all manner of proconsuls, scribes, firemen and members of the alumni association shall receive their baptism.
This shall be the manner of attire for the festival; all males among you of Italian lineage shall wear jewelry such as a jeweler should make. They shall adorn themselves with chains of gold that entangle themselves with the hair of the chest. There is no limit on the chains that may be worn. However, should an ear ring appear in the lobe of the left ear, then thou shalt diminish the gold that encumbers thy neck. Why wouldst thou detract from thy ear?
The aged men among thy tribe, those descended from the nation of Italy, from the leg, the heel, or the toe; even those from Sicily; all men who no longer go in or come out and may not go to war; all these may wear upon their heads the strange miter. The strange miter may be worn during the festival and at all times wherein there are youth. The strange miter must be crafted of the same fiber, be it polyester or nylon and must have the appearance of hair. It may be combed or parted and worn upon thy head, even hanging over thy ears. Lo, it is not hair, nor has it the semblance of hair. It is the strange miter.
All manner of food may be eaten at the festival. These are the laws of the foods: of all that pertains to the animal realm, thou mayest eat. Verily, thou mayest eat all that passes through the deep fryer. Forget not the French fries for they shall be a delight upon thy tongue. Indeed when thy tongue cleaveth to the roof of thy mouth so that thou mayest play all manner of drums with thy palate, then shall thy desire be turned to the slushies. These are the foods that cheer the heart. Forget not funnel cakes.
Thy festival shall end with a noisome fire in the heavens, such as has not been seen in your days. The smoke of the fire shall rise to remind thee of its fury. There shall be a great noise in the heavens, such as shall cause the car alarms to sound with a sound that thy soul loatheth. The hoary head, even the aged among thee, shall speak of this noise for days and days. Yea, they shall find ought else to speak about. For they are old and they know not but to drone.
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