Driving Miss Daisy

My wife and I are the caregivers for our grandchildren, aged 14 and 16. The 16 year old is a female, my 1^st of 3 grandchildren and 1^st of 2 granddaughters. So, once again, I have the responsibility of instructing a 16 year old girl in the art and skill of driving. This is my responsibility, for my wife has expended all of her patience hormones on other issues – not the least of which may or may not include her husband’s failure to pick up his socks, hit the clothes hamper (or even try), wash a dish, or act in a manner different than any 14 year old boy with mommy issues.

Driving with a 16 year old girl is an experience everyone should add to their bucket list. It makes bungee jumping, sky diving and running with the bulls in Pamplona pale in adventure and fright. I was ready for this challenge. I had been hardened by several years of living in the same house with a girl entering puberty and a wife experiencing menopause.  Dante’s 9 circles of hell are a walk in the park in comparison. But, back to the driving.

She has completed driver’s training and now needs practice before she takes her test for her license.  Apparently, driver’s instruction has changed a lot over the years since I received driver’s training (and, yes, they did have driver’s training back then, and no, we didn’t use horses every time). As we set out for our initial drive, I discovered that there are so many important issues that must be covered in the modern driving experience. Here is a checklist, every bit as important as the checklist that a flight crew must complete before each take off:

·         Open the car door and sit behind the wheel. This may seem like a “given” but for some, it is a challenge. For example, if the door is locked, how does one open the door? There are several options: press the unlock button on the key thingy, use the key to unlock the door, call the locksmith to extract the ignition key that you forced into the lock, use the right key, or for the 16 year who is a blonde, reach in the open window and unlock the car.

·         Once seated, the checklist begins. First, adjust your mirrors.

·         Readjust your mirrors after you have checked your makeup, hair, and performed the requisite zit count on your post-pubescent face.

·         Insert the key into the ignition. Express massive amounts of frustration when the key does not fit and accuse the driving coach (me) of giving you the wrong set of keys.

·         Remove the trunk key you attempted to jam into the ignition and use the ignition key.

·         Fasten your seatbelt. Glare at your passenger (me) until he fastens his.

·         Adjust the tilt steering wheel to the optimal position. This will require no fewer than 9 attempts.

·          Adjust the side mirrors and take another quick make up check in the visor mirror before ignition.

·         Start the car by turning the ignition to the “on” position. Ask the driving coach (me) if the engine started because it’s hard to hear over the grinding noise made by the starter. Release the ignition before the starter grinds itself into powder.

·         Prior to engaging the transmission (in technical 16 year old jargon “the gear shift thingy”), find the appropriate radio station to provide the exact music needed to enhance the driving experience.

·         Make sure all of the radio’s presets are tuned to a radio station of your choice because heaven help us if we had to actually listen to a commercial or weather forecast.

·         Put the car in gear and head for the road.

I must end at this point. Actually, I was too emotionally exhausted to remember much else. I think I blanked out. All I remember is sitting in my driveway sometime later in the passenger seat of the car, curled in a fetal position.  I think I may be losing my patience hormones.

Routines

I recently attended a seminar titled “Ministering to People with Dementia.” I attended this presentation for 3 reasons: 1. I am part of the “sandwich generation” which means that my wife and I will be caring for parents as they grow older; 2. I needed to have information for my wife as she will eventually need to care for me 3. Uhh, um, oh…. I forget.


This seminar was full of good information, although I really would like to know the difference between having dementia and being demented. I’ve not been diagnosed with the former, but I have been accused of the latter. Nonetheless, it opened my eyes to this terrible disorder.

One of the exercises involved a self-care routine. This was taken from The Past is Now my Future; A Practical Guide to Dementia Possible Care by Lanny Butler and Kari Brizendine. We were to rank the following activities in sequential order from 1st rising from bed:

____ Bathe

____ Brush my teeth

____ Comb my hair….

The list included 13 activities from dressing, watching the morning news, to taking medication, etc.

Oddly, this list did not include many of the activities with which I begin my day. So, I have compiled a list of self-care routines that more closely reflects the normal morning activities of the average citizen. They are already presented in sequential order.

Knock over the lamp trying to shut off the alarm.

Get out of bed.

Curse.

Trip over my shoes

Use the toilet

Clean up the bathroom floor because I missed the toilet.

Curse.

Step on a Lego (or Barbie shoe) and curse again while hopping on one foot and trying to dodge collateral damage to the other foot from remaining Lego’s

Put on whatever clothes I find at the foot of the bed and go downstairs.

Startle myself when I pass the hallway mirror and realize I put on my wife’s panty hose thinking it was my Under Armor stretchy muscle shirt.

Turn on the coffee maker and head to the shower.

Return dripping wet from the shower to turn the coffee maker off, put in coffee, filter, and water then turn it back on.

Dress

Eat breakfast which consists of a bowl of cold cereal because the domestic goddess needs her beauty sleep and won’t get up to prepare me a proper breakfast, which we all know is the most important meal of the day, for cryin out loud.

Turn on the morning news which oddly resembles the infomercials that are shown early every Saturday.

Upon realizing that it is Saturday and I’m already up and dressed and can’t go back to sleep, I might as well clean out the gutters.

Curse.

Achievement Test

This was sent to me by my sister (yeah, it kinda runs in the family) who imagined I might be amused. These are supposed to be genuine answers to a real test. I am not sure about that, but whoever wrote this is twisted. I mean, what kind of person would think of answers like this, for cryin’ out loud?


Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
Answer: his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: at the bottom of the page


Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
Answer: liquid


Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
Answer: marriage


Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
Answer: exams


Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
Answer: Lunch & dinner


Q7. What looks like half an apple?
Answer: The other half


Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
Answer: it will simply become wet


Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
Answer: No problem, he sleeps at night.


Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Answer: You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..


Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
Answer: Very large hands


Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
Answer: No time at all, the wall is already built.


Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Answer: Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Today's Quote

This is today's quote from my "365 Stupid Quotes" calendar. This is worth sharing. Memo: these are the people who become bazillionaires because of their talent.

"I've been noticing gravity since I was very young." - Cameron Diaz

Meetings

One of the disadvantages of my job is that I am required to attend meetings. We sometimes have meetings to plan meetings. There is an advantage to this, however. Attending meetings can consume large parts of the work week so that there is little actual work to be done. I think there is a corollary of Murphy’s Law that says something like, “the expectation of actual production diminishes in proportion to the number of meetings required to discuss production.” Or, as one of my colleagues says, “The only thing that comes out of meetings is people.”


This is not entirely true. Meetings can be profitable if you work at it. Listed below are actual statements made at meetings I’ve attended this year. I wrote them down immediately when spoken. None were made up. I will give context where necessary:

Misquoted wrong – “I was misquoted wrong.in the newspaper.” Then does that mean it got it right?

Unthawed – “We have several turkeys unthawed in the freezer,” In English, we say “frozen.”

Unloosened – “I had to unloosen the lid so it wouldn’t spill.” If it is unloosened, it is still tight so it won’t spill.

Free gift – Aren’t all gifts free? If I have to pay for it, it’s not a gift.

Over exaggerated – Are there degrees to exaggeration? Can you under exaggerate?

Under the weather – I hear this often. But, aren’t we all under the weather, except for those people on the orbiting space station. If they get sick, are they “under the stratosphere?” or under the Van Allen belt?”

Lowered down – yeah, gravity is a bummer.

Reflect back – because it’s really hard to reflect forward.  

Reiterate again – Whew, I’m glad he’s not being repetitious.

In the future moving forward – because you can’t move forward in the past; but then again, if you are in the past then forward is the only direction you can go. Hmm. I think I need a souped up DeLorean and 1.21 jiggawatts to figure out this.

Reduced down – Who wants to gain pounds on a weight reduction plan?

I anticipate more fun to follow as I gleefully attend meetings this year.

From Last Summer

Here it is February. I cannot tell you how many requests I have received to resume regular posts on this blog. I can't tell you because any number would be a lie. But as I was cleaning out some old computer files so that Bookworm could run faster, I came across an unpublished post from last summer. It is self-explanatory.

Two weeks ago was our family reunion. After allowing appropriate time to pass for reflection and emotional healing I feel that it is now safe to write about it.


It was called a family reunion, but that is an odd turn of a phrase. A reunion assumes union. If your family is anything like ours, there is often more disunion than union. Family reunions tend to glorify a closeness that never existed in reality. That’s why my family never bothered. But, I wax cynical.

I must choose my words carefully because this was my wife’s family that “reunioned.” Yes, it was an event for the in-laws. But this was no mere family reunion; it was an early 60th wedding anniversary celebration for my father and mother-in-law. We secured a pavilion in a local park for the festive occasion. With the number of people invited, it was set to be the social event of the summer. What we could not anticipate was the weather. It turned out to be the hottest day of the summer; 90 + degrees.

I’m sure this family is not much different from other families; the older sages instructing the younger ones on family history. The octogenarians of the clan had a wealth of wisdom and information that they entrusted to the young pups for safe keeping. After speaking with my nephews, I learned some things about my wife’s family that, frankly, I did not know. Here is a brief list of some of the notable achievements of this family to be passed on in trust to succeeding generations:

• The tract of land that would later become Youngstown was first owned by a great-great-great grandfather (not sure on how many “greats” are required) and sold to John Young for a bottle of whiskey and a mule. I know that this is true because one of the cousins read it somewhere (probably a post-colonial version of “National Enquirer”). And although I have never heard of this and the local historical accounts make no mention of this, I know it to be true because why would they make this up? I mean, who wants to claim the origins of Youngstown?

• Another grandfather was the mayor of the small town in which the patriarchs were raised. I will not name the town because I have friends who live there and it really is a lovely place to live. However, as I have observed, almost everybody has been mayor there at least once. I was almost mayor, for crying out loud. There was a “guess how many jelly beans in the jar” contest at the Fireman’s Festival. I came in 3rd place and won a corn dog. 1st place was a 10 dollar gift card to Wal-Mart and 2nd prize was a term as mayor.

• Their small town high school was the 1st in the country to have a swimming pool. This may actually be true because the man who set up the town and school system was forward-thinking for the early 1900’s. But, the whole country is a pretty dang big place and I would like to see some documentation. But, then again, what would be the motivation for making up something like this?

• The family patriarch single-handedly built steel mills in Ohio and Utah. No, he was not Andrew Carnegie or J.P. Morgan, but it certainly must be true. Why would anyone make this up?

• They invented air. I am not so sure about this one. This may be an exaggeration.

Post-Apocalyptic Musings

Here I sit at 11:00 pm on May 21. In some parts of the world it is already May 22 and Mr. Camping has been proven to be a false prophet. There is irony in this since he has called every pastor or teacher in the established church a false prophet nearly every day for the past several years. Of course, on the outside chance that he was right, I made sure that I spent this Saturday in productive work – work that would be fitting for Judgment Day.


I began the day by meeting a friend for coffee at McDonalds. Yes indeed, any red-blooded capitalist would want to spend his last day on earth at Mickey-D’s. By the way, I hear that McDonald’s is looking to expand into the afterlife. In heaven, every meal will be a Happy Meal. Note: Burger King has the contract wrapped up for the Netherworld. Their “flame-broiled” marketing concept is a natural fit.

After that, I came home and read my email – because I wouldn’t want the world to end with reading about the latest homeopathic remedy for erectile dysfunction.

My wife and I went to a garage sale. I was snookered because she said she wanted to find exercise equipment for her father. Really? The man carries 2 walkers in his car and she’s looking for a BowFlex for him? We found an exercise bike for him and she found various and sundry items for herself. Forget that I took 2 days off work to clean the basement! I guess I was just making room.

Knowing that Judgment Day was scheduled for 6 o’clock, we had time to catch a movie. I grew up reading comic books. I credit Marvel and D.C. comics for developing my mind into the tragic piece of machinery it is. Anyway, I just had to see “Thor.” He was one of my favorite comic book super-heroes. The movie was quite a production. Not even the Apocalypse was going to keep me from seeing this movie. Besides, I got a large soft drink with free refills for only a buck! Judgment Day indeed !

I mowed the lawn. My neighbor pulled out of the drive and asked me about the rapture and Judgment Day. She said, “You have a Baptist background, don’t you? What do you think about this Rapture business?” Oh yeah, you say the phrase “Judgment Day” and you think of Baptist right off the bat for cryin out loud. She said she was a graduate from an Episcopal seminary and, according to her, there was no talk about rapture and millennium and such stuff. But she really wanted know why I was mowing the lawn, if today was the last day. That was a fair question; I really did think about waiting until about 7:00 –ish. But, rapture or not, the lawn needs cut.

By the time I finished the lawn and fired up the grill for dinner, 6:00 had come and gone. I got a text message from one friend and a call from another seeing if I was still here. Are you kidding? You check on the status of the rapture by calling me? I guess they thought that if I was taken, then any loser has a chance. But, I’m still here, my lawn is mowed, and Harold Camping is still in Alameda, California.